Relatable

When I  first started to struggle with anxiety it was the most alone I had ever felt. I had my friends support and family and they tried to help but they didn't understand. I could feel the frustration they had with me somedays, and I don't blame them at all, I was frustrated with myself as well. I just wanted to know there was someone else out there that felt the way I did. I wanted to know someone felt the frustration and pain I did. That even if it made me more upset, I need to hear other peoples words knowing I am not the only one.

So here are some pieces of writing that I found on the Internet. I take absolute no credit for at all for them because they are not mine. But for whoever did write them, Thank you.




"Fear"

There is something in me that controls my life. It is not an addiction to a substance or a goal I am in pursuit of.

This thing inside of me is what causes me to be who I am, but I cannot say that I am proud of that.

I do not know 100% where this came from, but it does not matter because it worsens everyday I try to figure it out and take a look back.

Some doctors give it a fancy name, but I simply like to call it fear. Not the typical fear like a scary movie or a ghost whispering a word into your ear. This fear, this fear is much different.

This fear that not everyone can hear, that not everyone can understand, that not everyone can come to the conclusion that there is something really out out there that this kid is afraid of.

This fear is called SAD, S.A.D., Social Anxiety Disorder. An acronym so perfectly written not because it makes me sad, but because it is sad that I am fearful of something that does not exist.

I wish I could be afraid of a horror film, I wish I could be afraid of heights, I wish i could be afraid of getting mugged in an alley on my way back from school that day, I wish...

Instead, I am afraid of that which does not exist.




"What anxiety feels like sometimes"

So you're just thinking
Having a normal thought
Then you start to have more thoughts
And they start to only be negative
And you are thinking faster
And faster and faster
And there’s more and more negativity
And you’re worried
You can’t stop worrying
And the bad, worrisome thoughts race faster and faster through your mind
Every possible bad situation goes through your mind
Over and over
Faster and faster
They get worse and worse until all of a sudden you get sick to your stomach
You feel like you’re going to throw up or maybe pass out
You start to feel pathetic that your thoughts make you physically sick
You want to cry
Now you feel even more pathetic
Now your chest hurts and you feel like you can’t breathe
You want to calm down but you feel so pathetic
You can’t slow your heartbeat
Now you’re taking rapid shallow breaths
Now its too late and you’re having a panic or anxiety attack 
You finally cry and cry and cry
Finally you can take deep breaths and feel like you’re getting oxygen again
Then the adrenaline starts to leave your body and you’re just worn out, exhausted, and feel even more pathetic because you couldn’t stop it
But you know you can’t think about that or it will happen again 
So you close your eyes and take slow deep breaths but you still feel sick and can’t wait for it to go away




 "Panic Attack"Cold to hot, hot to cold
Heart starts pounding faster and faster
I can't think, I can't speak
Breathing becomes harder
Gasping and wheezing, trying to catch a breath
Can;t get help when you can't talk
Cant take a deep breath when you can't breath
So I lay there, till I pass out
I slip into my dreams where I should be safe
But weverythigns worse when your trapped inside your own head

"Anxiety Attack 

At first it’s a distant thought

Then you start thinking “what if”

And now there’s no letting go

Here comes another panic attack

Now it starts to sting your eyes

To make your chest feel tight

You close your eyes and try to breath

But nothing is working right

Your heart’s now pounding in your ears

It’s bound to beat out your chest

Shaking begins without control

But damn you try your best

“It’s nothing to worry about”

But your head

It’s the enemy and they have no clue

How much you want to be dead

Hyperventilating subsides

Dizziness replaces

Now you sleep, begin to dream

Taken to far worse places

You are not alone
Sincerely,
Your anxious but optimist blogger.. 

Life.

Please Excuse my jumbled thoughts and not very well executed words but I tired my best to explain everything and a semi decent order that I thought made the most sense.

Background~

I am a privileged kid, grew up in a good home, my dad makes good money, my mom a say at home mom, involved in many activities, good close friends, good boyfriends, supportive family, even slightly spoiled and everything you could think of as a close to perfect life.

But just because my life seemed so good doesn't mean that it is.

Growing up I have always been an anxious child, scared of what people thought of me, if they were judging me, trying to please people to make them happy.

I grew up and started to realize that my happiness is important to and to do things for myself, to make me happy.

My parent are divorced now. I took from my 8th grade year to my now senior year for them to figure everything out. It very much impacted me and at first I tried to hide it but now I realize it wasn't all for the worst.

My senior year (now) I have been going through what has been the toughest years of my life. Your senior year is supposed to be fun and you should be excited for college and enjoy the freedom and the last year with your friends.

That's what I thought my senior year would be, skipping classes with friends, staying out late, getting in trouble with my mom for not being around the house enough.

I ended my second trimester with 75+ absences in my class.. but not because I skipped but because of anxiety.

I couldn't get myself to go to school, I would cry to my mom every morning and beg her not to make me.

Obviously not the senior year I had in mind.

Anxiety took over so much of my life and I had never felt so alone.

Why~

I was sitting today thinking about how far I have come but still what I  have left to overcome. But also remembering the hard times I had.

I want to write this blog not only for myself but others. I don't care if no one sees it or if everyone sees it. I just felt like it was something I had to do. To get all my feelings out of the past and now.

 If you are reading this thank you and try to stick with me through my horrible spelling, grammar and ranting style of writing which I swear I'm trying to be informative but it always seems to sound like a rant. 

My hope and goal is that maybe even one person finds this blog and it and it helps them to not feel alone in what they are going through 

Or for people I know to maybe understand better how I felt and why things are so hard for me that are easy for others. 

My anxiety~ 

As a child like I said earlier I was always anxious trying to make people happy but not only that but like every other child I was scared of everything bad in life. Except slightly to an extreme. I feared I was going to be shot through my window at night, so I wouldn't sleep. Someone chocked on chicken one time and so I wouldn't eat it for a long time. I would also stay up crying all night if my dad had to go on a business trip and I would refuse to sleep.

After all of that I switched it over to thinking I would be sick every night to the point where sometimes I actually was sick. So this is when for the first time I saw a therapist. Pretty much hated going and talking to a random person at 10 years old so I eventually made myself get over it just so I wouldn't have to talk to strange people/ I just kept my  fear to myself.

Through out my middle school years and most of high school though I was a normal child. I always got anxious about reading in front of class or giving a presentation. Most kids don't like those kind of things though so it was normal, I was slightly more on the extreme side of it, I would get super hot and read and feel I was gonna puke and pass out, and I for sure couldn't eat anything if I thought about it that day. But overall I just deal with that and its fine, I deal with it like everyone else.

It was my first day of senior year. The night before I could not be more excited. One last year of hell high school and I'll be done forever. I can go big places and do anything I want in college. But I woke up on the first day of high school feeling so nauseous and horrible, I only made it through one class and mostly with my head between my knees. This happened the first few days and I really didn't know what was going on but I was determined to push through and get over whatever it was.

Later in the trimester. One just random day. I was sitting in my class while we were just having a group discussion and all of a sudden I felt my chest getting tighter and tighter and I was so over heated I didn't know what to do or what was happening. There was no good time to ask to leave and I was breathing kinda heavy so I didn't even know if I could get the words out to ask to leave. I was getting dizzy and the room was spinning. Being the person I am I didn't want to draw any attention to me so sitting in  my back in the corner of the room with my eyes closed trying to breath quiet and slow I had my (later discovered) first anxiety attack.

After that day I knew something was wrong and I needed to figure it out. So being me I used my little web MD app and went at it. Not long did it come up with my symptoms being anxiety. Confused because I had nothing really that overwhelming in my life compared to normal, why I would have this. I kept it in the back of my mind but I was skeptical because it didn't make sense.

The trimester went on though and my symptoms only got worse and so after I had had enough of hiding in the bathroom in school, over heating every day, and my chest always hurting, I decided maybe it was time to mention it to my mom. (Though I really didn't want too)

I did. We talked. Went to the doctor. Got me on meds. I was thinking life was gonna be good. But noooo. My luck exactly, I had a one in a shit ton chance that I would react poor to the medicine but of course I did. The Medicine had made my anxiety so much worse. I was have panic attacks way more frequently. I was now more and embarrassed and scared to go to school then ever. My symptoms seem to just have increased to not only school but in any public place at all. We took me off that a few weeks later but it takes time to get it out of your system, sadly.

We tired another new medicine for the time being, and also put me on a short term solution to help me get to school that I could take every 8 hours as needed. Didn't take us long again to realize the medicine wasn't working so we doubled it. Things still weren't going great and by this point I was petrified to leave the house unless I for sure had all the pills kicked into my system.

I would do anything to not leave the house. I would cry every morning to my mom begging her not to make me leave. I even would offer to stay home and clean and do dishes, and that is not a me thing. Its not that I didn't feel guilty about staying home cause I did. I would do anything to be better. I wouldn't let my self sit around and watch Netflix or do anything fun I would normally do because I knew it was wrong I was home and I was mad at myself. I just wanted to hate school like every other normal senior, not fear school.

At this point it was time to see a Physiologist. She gave me another medicine on top of the ones I am taking and later doubled that one too and I take it twice a day to help me get through the days. That took a month or two to for sure kick and and for me to slowly get confidence back that I had lost so much of. Everyday was still and struggle and some were worst than others. Those bad days would always kick my confidence right back down when I was finally seeing some light int he situation. MY therapist has been a lot of help as well finding ways to help me see the good in situations and ways to cope.

I have Generalized Anxiety disorder. Sadly I can still not tell you what causes it. I don't know what started it or what I am scared of. One of the most frustrating things about my anxiety is not knowing why my body is doing these things and thinking these things and I have no explanation when people ask me what I am scared of. As my anxiety got worse though I have established a fear of people judging me and getting embarrassed that I might have to run out of the room during the middle of the class or get sick in front of them. The only sort of explanation of what I am scared of that I have come close to is me getting sick in front of other people or in a public situation. It overwhelms me a lot and anxiety just made me feel sick all the time which did not help.

Even today things can be hard and you can have rough days but I can finally say for me things are getting better. Not great and no where near to what normal used to be but getting there and that's all that matters. I can happily say that I am going to school again and can even go out some places though it is hard sometimes. I am still taking all the medications and trying to work out with my doctor when to taper off some.... which I really am scared and don't want to do..... I know its the right thing to do. But things do get better, I promise. ( I say that for myself too)

Conclusion~

My conclusion for this blog is sorry I know I just threw a whole bunch of personal and random crap at you, and I promise most my blogs from here on out will be more specific towards one subject. For my first one, I have been trying to write forever to makes sense of before I post it, but I need to get all the background info out there and write down everything that hopefully informs you to me and why I feel the need to write this. Sorry for my personal long life stories but I just felt to understand if someone who doesn't know me is reading this that it would help.

Sincerely
Your anxious but optimistic blogger