Oh Plane rides

The constant Plane rides are not ideal for anxious people. So many people, crowded stressed out people to be specific, all running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to run to their flight they are late to. First you gotta check in and you got these new do it yourself shit machines. You walk up all confident, I got this no worries, *scans passport* it tells you it's "unable to read it" shit. The one guy has to come over, you are embarrassed when you realize you put it in backwards buts it's fine all fine because at least now he helps you through the rest thinking you are dummy but less stress for me so. They we got security, looking at the line just makes your stomach drop, and you watch those people who get to cut and be first somehow and you are like well what the heck, how'd they get special treatment. I need that, I can't do this line. Well let me tell you people it never hurts to ask, because I did today and I was that bitch in the short line and it was great. After all the scanners and do you have anything that could kill us in your pocket talk with the security guard, you are free.  Free to walk into the shuttles and people rushing by you as you walk around in circles trying to figure out how gates F1-F5 are in one section and F6 are on opposite sides of the airport and of course you walked the wrong way to be told "oh no sweetie that's way over in that terminal". Then you got the sitting and waiting to board the plane, *do I have everything I need,wallet.. Okay got it in purse.. Duh* *where is my phone? Omg where is it... Right it's in my hand, it's fine I'm fine.*  the constant checking if your gate has changed yet? Should I pee now? Wait until its Closer? Maybe just go twice to make sure. Alright so they are finally calling the numbers to board. "Prioritiy first" and you think how the fuck much do they pay, this flight was already expensive enough..but ya know that blanket might be nice oh and that tiny ass see through curtain that separates you from all of us back here. We are so impressed. Finally your turn, your turn to walk down the cold mental box  to your death... Okay well not your death but you are getting in another giant metal thing that is flying like what over 250 miles per hours just some tiny wings on the side. Then you have to remind your self it's okay. People fly everyday and I have flown and been fine. I will be fine. So now that you are okay with the fact you are flying in a giant mental tube of death with small wings you are calming down again. But then just then, 9/11. It comes to your head and not just 9/11, any plane crashed you have ever heard about on the news, oh god, oh god. What if that plane is this plane and you what if your self to death. It's fine cause the cute guy next to will probably try to save you right? You will get a dying kiss at least? Right? Take off, fuck you take offs and landings are the worst. Unless they are super smooth but how often does that happen? You've recovered from take off woo congrats you are still alive, you made it in the air. Flight attendants up waking around trying to sell you that $7 sandwich with literally ham on cheese of cheese on some creepy bread because  they know if you are hungry enough you will buy that shit, especially when they make it look apatizing and fancy on the little menu, until you get it and you are like why the hell is the $7 and why is this not the sandwich in the picture. Also how many of those sandwiches do you have in that metal cart?? When were those made? Who made them? Where are they from? So many questions I have for you  that I will never have the nerve to ask. Anyways now you are drinking from the tiny ass plastic cup with two ice cudes they gave you with your soda, wondering why they don't just refrigerate it before they sever. I mean I could just put it down by my feet where PLENTY of cold air is constantly being shot out. Shout out to who ever controls the air for either freezing me to death or I'm sweating buckets, but it's fine, we have already come to be okay with the terms we are gonna look like shit when you are down with traveling today anyways. So anyways you got cute boy on one side and you are trying to be brave make light convo, casual but cute since you both have the same destination. Then he leans arcross the ile and there are his parents and you are like oh no. Nevermind this isnt what I wanted, back away slowly,  put the headphones in like you are getting tired. That my friends is unlucky airplane rides in a nutshell. 

Sincerely,

Your anxious but optimistic blogger 

Every day is a new start

The I wish I was as commited to writing on this blog as I thought I would when I first started. Clearly I am not since I started 9 months okay and this is only my 5th post. But anyways..

College. What an different expirence. I love it I do. But it can be a little overwhelming. Having to share a room with someone is not my favorite thing but luckily she is very understanding about my mental health. It's still just not as good as a "safe place" for me as I would wish. But it has made me a braver person when it comes to "manning up" and dealing with my anxiety. Classes are much better then high school. I can leave the class anytime I need without pressures of having to raise my hand and ask and also people just leave as they want and need all the time so it isn't something I'm embarrassed about as much. That part of college is way better for me. It makes me feel way more confident. 

My struggle that I'm currently having is my medicine. I know I need to take off some of it but even with it I'm not fully my old self so I can't imagine going without it .My medicine is what gets me through a lot of days and I am fearful to the point of tears to stop taking it. 

This also makes me really sad. I have become so reliant on this medicine that I can't go without it. It's starting to really make me upset often. I wish I could be myself again. But I try my hardest to not let it get to me. I really try. 

My life is going so well right now other  then anxiety. I have so much to be thankful  for. I have great friends, a great boy, and family who loves me. I try to remind myself that everyday that I am fortunate and even though some days my anxiety is bad, there is always tomorrow. 

Sincerely,

Your anxious but optimistic blogger